Seriously?

Ok, I'm sure we can all agree that Lady Gaga's music is, in fact, a corrupting addition to mankind equal, or even greater, to the inventing of the nuclear bomb. Now though, it's more than just her music. It's her every being. The very atoms which make up her horrid, sloppy, make-up encrusted fucking face, are slowly destroying our image as human beings. Listen, if you want to listen to Lady Gaga and throw Lady Gaga theme parties and freak the fuck out when the DJ plays Lady Gaga or whatever, that's totally cool, but if you honestly believe she's something more than just a modern day Madonna, and that she's going to bring something refreshing to pop music, you're a fucking fool. Hell, you can't even say she's a modern day Madonna, because Madonna's still around! People are just so oblivious to how unoriginal and ass-backwards she REALLY is. I, being the generous, philanthropic gent that I am, have taken it upon myself to be a blinding light of truth, shining directly into the black, cold soul of Lady Gaga.



Ok, so let's start with the obvious: Her music. To say that Lady Gaga has a bad voice is just foolish. She can sing, and she does it well. Having said that, to say that Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson, amongst others, don't share striking similarities is also just foolish. Take that fucking Bad Romance song. The bass-snare combination gives it this sort of industrial sound, which Lady Fucking Asshole Gaga, said herself, is what she was going for. Ok, that's fine, make an Industrial song and call it Pop, whatever. Do NOT, however, have the audacity to completely snatch Manson's sort of forced Baritone singing and to a beat that is also totally Manson-esque. I'm not saying that I'm a huge Marilyn Manson fan or anything, I just really like ruining things for people. A lot of people will combat my anti-music theories with the arguement that Lady Gaga can play piano... Oh..my..god. Do you mean to tell me that a MUSICIAN knows how to play an INSTRUMENT?! Someone call the fucking Pope, Lady Gaga knows how to play piano. Shut the fuck up, who cares if Gaga can tickle the ivories? That hardly gives her a "Get Out of Accepting the Fact That You're Just Another Pop Singer" card.



On a related note, the fact that her second cd was literally nothing more than the first cd with some other songs added to it, is fucking ridiculous. Do you people really not see the cheap gimmick that she's pulling? To say that she had to re-release it with more songs because she felt the first one wasn't "complete" isn't commendable or impressive at all. It's just her saying, "Hey, I released an incomplete cd, and it was a hit, so I'm going to give you the same cd, except this time it's actually finished. Buy it!" and you bought it, didn't you?



I was actually really looking forward to talking about this. Her fucking fashion. I think it's a reasonable assumption to make that Lady Gaga is hugely identified by her zany outfits, yeah? Well, that'd be totally cool, except for one thing. SHE'S A FUCKING MUSICIAN. If you write songs for a living, and people pay more attention to your fucking stupid costumes, you're fucking up. It just proves how forgettable her music is. If people stop paying attention to your singing because your t-shirt has elephant tusks jutting out from the shoulders, you just stopped being a musician. You're now a piss-poor excuse for a model who just happens to sing. It's just like with Manson! First of all, Lady Gaga totally snagged his digs on more than one occasion. Second, people talked about his clothes and shit just as much, if not more than they did his music. The only time people actually talked about his music is when kids shot other kids and then shot themselves. Unfortunately for Lady Gaga, I don't think anyone's gonna blame her for a mass murder/suicide. Maybe just the suicide, but not murder. Ok maybe the murder too.



Finally, let's talk about her sexuality. She's openly admitted to preferring women over men before, but she's not a lesbian. Thus making her bisexual. Lady Gaga, you are not fucking bisexual. No one in the entire world is bisexual. I refuse to believe anything other than the fucking fact that it's a bullshit ploy to get gay dudes to like her even more than they already would. She's got this condescending pro-feminist attitude that just pisses me off so much. Hey Lady Gaga. I'd rather stick my dick inside of a barracuda's mouth than that ghostly orifice you so inappropriately call your vagina. If you're gonna dig chicks, then stop making these absurd "I'm so mad at my ex-boyfriend" music videos that actually hold ZERO relevance to the song involved. It's not that I expect all music videos to follow a story relevant to the song. It's just when musicians try and force a plot into a music video and turn it into a movie is when I get pissed. Back off, stay in your realm, you asshole. I feel like if a dude musician made a video like that "Telephone", in which this dude gets out of jail, gets picked up by his possibly gay lover (Beyonce, what the fuck?), and poisons and kills his one time female lover, people would SHIT themselves. They'd scream out "Fag!" and "Domestic violence!" Actually, that sort of sounds like something Marilyn Manson would do.



Look, maybe I'm going to sound like an asshole, but honestly, I feel like I'm doing the musician a favor by listening to them, and if I think the musician is a complete and utter tool, then I'm gonna be like fuck that noise! Lady Gaga, is in fact, a tool. She, in attempting to be completely original, has made herself into a complete carbon copy of any other over-the-top artist. Had she just focused on making music, had she just fixed her eyes upon the very piano that got her to where she is now, instead of looking into space, then I probably wouldn't have had to write all this shit. Thanks for making me care Lady Gaga, I look forward to your funeral. I'll be wearing a bedazzled speedo and shoulder pads.